Today was a bit better. After the heart-to-heart talk I had with myself via blog post yesterday, I woke up with a new sense of hope and purpose. Although the clock was moving at a snail's pace, I found myself more productive than I have ever been since we started working from home.

On the parenting side of things though, I did not nail it today. I found myself losing my shit with the kids when they just wouldn't calm the F down at 7:30 in the morning. They were fighting over what looked to me like a broken piece of plastic that used to belong to a toy. After the problem had been resolved by a bribe of homemade Jell-O for breakfast (and some screaming on my part), I made my morning coffee and tried to let it go.

In the spirit of using reflection as a way to cope with stress and anxiety, I decided to try this whole "Prompts in Reflection" method -just one of the many, many, many things I learned from my vibrant young friends from work. For those of you who want to try, this is what Google said about what prompting in reflection is:

Search Results

After logging in our time sheet, I got together with my friends in Hangouts and started our morning prompt, just like we used to when we were still back in the office before starting our day.

So with Yza taking the lead on this morning's prompt exercise this is what we got:
Grabbing the first book that was close by, I flipped the pages of my Straight from the Heart book and this is what the universe gave me:

"Grant me the grace and strength to raise these wonderful human beings."

Ok. So maybe that freaked me out a little bit. It's very fitting and timely, and it really just stirred something inside me.

Raising two children is a handful. Specially for someone who has the patience of a Cannoli, this has been my struggle ever since I became a mom. Even as a teen, patience was never one of my virtues. Praying for patience has always been my silent plee to God and to the universe, to grant me the strength to be as understanding as I can to raise my children.

No one really teaches you how to be a good parent. You can't rely on your own parents, your siblings, or even your friends. The best you can do is to wing it, teach them what is right and what is wrong, and pray to God that you do right by them.

Encourage, they said, never criticize.

I struggle with patience when it comes to my kids. They're somehow louder than the average child out there, and I wish I can just turn my deaf ear (literally) on them, but sadly, it does nothing to reduce the rowdiness and the noise. They'll keep asking until I give them an answer -which after the umpteenth time, I blackout and find myself yelling at them to shut up and end up with the phrase "because I said so". A not-so popular method in raising a child in someone's book, and quite old fashioned if I may add, but I do feel guilty soon after saying it because I lost my patience (and my temper).

I've decided to take this message to heart, and reflect on it the whole day and write about it after work. It became my mantra every time I found my temper brewing. With this phrase in mind, I found myself to be more aware of my actions when it comes to the kids. As I write this blog post, they are chasing each other behind me and having a sword fight, I found myself tuning it out, and just let them be kids.

I can't expect them to act like adults because in reality, they're not. This message from the universe has told me that they are in fact children, and they will ask a lot of questions because they look up to me to guide them and teach them things. To answer all the whys, the hows, and the whats.

When Maggie woke up from her nap, she came up to me and asked for a hug. As I held her in my arms, I realized that they do need me not only for guidance, but I owe it to them to be a nurturing parent. They trust me wholly to teach them what is right and what is wrong, and I cannot simple say "because I said so" just to end a discussion. I have to be patient enough to explain the consequences of their actions whether good or bad.

As an anxious person, noise and chaos rattles me, and that is why I snap at my children and force them to behave like adults; and when it doesn't go as expected, I get upset, I shout, and it exhausts me. This is the kind of cycle that I mentioned in my previous post.

I realized all these while working. And after I signed myself out of work, I self-reflected on how I am as a mom, and it really made me feel guilty in a way how hard I have been on my kids, but somehow hopeful that I can be better. I have never been the type of mom that gives out the impression that I am perfect and or super. I never labeled myself as a "SUPERMOM". I make a shitload of mistakes, and I learn as I go. I do the best that I can and believe that I have some good qualities and excellent parenting skills in my own right -minus the 4 decade-old bad mood and temper.

The message is clear from the universe: be patient, and everything else will follow through.