After a video call talking about updates of the Covid 19 virus with high school girlfriends, I went down the rabbit hole again after just barely grasping the top edge of it. I went to sleep at the crack of dawn, and even then, it was a fitful sleep.

I woke up tired. I was exhausted not only physically but mostly mentally. I have been running around in circles in my mind replaying different scenarios, a lot of what ifs, and "I shouldn't haves". After last night and this morning's episodes, I have a feeling that I will have to go back to taking my medication after 6 months of being antidepressants-free.

Posting this photo to remind me of a more carefree side of me. Raul took this photo of me before heading home after a good day in Intramuros.

Deep down though, I do believe that this could have been worse. I have been continuing my prompting, meditating, reflecting, and practicing yoga, and I think I am managing it better. Not completely though, but better I guess given the current state I am in.

After what seemed like about 2 hours to finally get out of bed, and chatting with some friends online who are anxiety sufferers like me, I felt a bit better and had enough courage to finally to snap out of my funk and get out of bed to take a shower and brush my teeth. I put on a lighter mood for the sake of the kids, and tried to get back to regular scheduled programming.

If you have been reading my blog, I am already on Day 9 on my prompting to get rid of anxiety:

What are 3 of your strengths? How can you share your strengths to make life better?

(Cont'd) I had to think about this long and hard. It took me about 3 hours to reflect on this while listening to my choice of relaxing playlist for the day. Today has been dark for me. It kind of feels like that first time I woke up after giving birth, and I realize I am a mom and yet I felt lost and alone.

But miraculously, after falling asleep reflecting and meditating, I woke up and I felt renewed with a new sense of... I guess you can call it hope? I have been praying to God to keep me and my family safe and I know that He will.

And just like that I am able to put my negative thoughts aside and move on to other things. I am not even sure if that's a good or bad thing, but my ability to move on can be quick if I put my heart and my mind into it. I know that I will still have some of those negative thoughts that will come and go, but at least I am not dwelling anymore.

My second strength would have to be my versatility. I know that I already mentioned this in my previous post #Unique. I believe that being versatile makes me unique, and considered a strength as well.
It took me a while to think of a third strength -for a while nothing came to mind, until I started writing very random things on paper to try and find myself. Then it came to me, blogging is another strength. It's not easy for anyone to put their feelings out in the open like me, yet alone share it to the world just putting it out there for anyone to read. That makes me vulnerable and yet powerful in a way. I love talking about my feelings, sharing is one of my strengths. Talking is a way for me to cope and I would like to think that I have gotten pretty good at it.

I have been putting myself out there for years, and I am not one for checking my blog stats often. I do not really care if anyone is reading my blog or not, but I just want to put my words out there just in case. I have always wanted to be a writer, and blogging is the next best thing for me to have even just a piece of that dream. I want to put my blog out there just in case it might help someone someday. Whether it be about beauty or about dealing with anxiety, that alone makes me feel better about why this blog even exists.