The ringing in my right ear is starting to really bother me. I have been doing my best to stay calm and just doing my mantra to calm myself, but as soon as the room gets quiet, my tinnitus gets worse. I need to mask the noise with a fan now, and it helps a lot. I have quit my Juul because they say that nicotine can make it worse. Well, I only read about that a minute ago and I have to at least try.

At dinner, when the noise in my ear was a bit overwhelming, I got a little anxious but I nipped it at the bud. I had to stop myself from going on a downward spiral so I went upstairs to write so as to not to fall into that. I have to take it one day at a time, otherwise I'll go crazy. Writing has always made me feel better and makes me compartmentalize everything in my mind more efficiently so here I am prompting. I checked my prompting list, and this is what I have for today:

When was the last time you felt truly alive? Is there a way to replicate this feeling now?

Let's see, let's think about this for a second.  Looking back at my life, I've had so much of those. Answering that with "birth of my children" or "the day I got married" would be obvious, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Thinking about this for a while, I realized that the last time I felt truly alive, was when I got my current job. I have been working as a freelance makeup artist, and a proprietor for the past 17 years, and although the money was good and it provided what I needed to help support my family, I felt unfulfilled. It felt like something was missing, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I didn't understand it at that time, and didn't want to complain about what I had because it seemed I had everything that I could ever want. A family, a house, a car, and a business that I could run from the comfort of my own home. But at the end of the day, I felt lost and unaccomplished.

Applying for a full time job wasn't an option for me 7 months ago. I have been doing the work-from-home thing for so long that I've forgotten how to be in an office. I think a big part of me was scared of the commitment that I would have to give to work 9 to 5 6. I was already setting myself up for failure, which was really being unfair to myself.

When I heard about the job opening from a really good friend of mine, it was a job so perfect for me. But even though it was a job that was right up my alley, I was scared shitless to even apply for it. My sister was the one who convinced me to go through the application process and just decide later on if I would take the job or not. So I went through the interviews and busied myself getting the requirements together, 3 weeks later I was offered the job. As soon as I got that offer, I felt something I haven't felt in a really long time: JOY. I couldn't really explain exactly what I felt at that moment, but it was like coming back to life. It wasn't about the paycheck (although that is a big help), it was realizing that I had skills to offer and contribute to the company, and that they were recognized even at my age.

My husband and my kids make me feel alive, don't get me wrong. But this is something for myself, and myself alone. That moment that I succeeded in getting hired after being self-employed for almost 2 decades was completely indescribable. I don't think that I can replicate that feeling anytime soon being in quarantine and all, but I would imagine that when we get back to the office I can move forward and do my job well. But until then, I will have to live each day the best way I know how to cope because being anxious won't get this whole situation move faster.